As David Brent would undoubtedly say – never assume; because it makes an ass of u and me. Assuming is basically guessing, based entirely on your own perceptions. So if you’re not clear about what somebody means, ask them. This would almost certainly clear up 99% of the misunderstandings in the world. When someone’s saying anything that makes us uncomfortable- whether it’s asking for more space in the relationship, or a pay rise – the tendency is to mentally jump ahead, and second-guess what they’re really saying. So, “I’d like to spend more time with friends” becomes, “I’m bored of you and I’m planning to leave,” and “I don’t know if I want to go on holiday with your family” instantly translates as “you’re a massive loser and your whole family is a nightmare.” Everyone’s insecure, and it’s very hard to hear things that we suspect conceal painful judgments. So instead of probing to find out what’s really meant, we take the assumption, and run with it. Rather than say, “OK, what kind of holiday would you like?” we’ll shout, “Fine! Well, they’re not so keen on you, either!”
Luckily, there’s a useful technique called ‘mirroring’ which simply requires you to repeat back what you think you heard. Saying “So I’m hearing you don’t want to go on holiday with my family…why is that?” opens up the discussion, and allows for greater honesty all round.
Equally, when someone else is assuming they know what you mean- or what you’re going to say- it can be just as annoying. Stop it dead, by saying, “I’m not sure if I’m making myself clear. What I really mean is..” as soon as they assume the worst.
And if it is the worst? Well, it still pays to be clear about it.
It’s incredibly tempting to point the finger of blame when you’re upset. But often, you’re avoiding responsibility for your own part in the situation. Very rarely is a disagreement all the fault of one person- or, as your Mum used to say, “it takes two to make a quarrel.” As soon as you transfer blame, you’re basically saying, “I’m perfect, you’re totally at fault”- and nobody is going to respond well to that (unless they’ve just spent the night with a mansion-full of Playboy Bunnies and been caught bang to rights. And even then, they’ll probably come up with an excuse). Blaming is an attack, and when people feel judged and criticised, they become defensive, and the whole row shifts onto a higher level.
Taking responsibility means accepting that you, too, have contributed to the situation, and recognising what you could have done differently. It means, most importantly that you “own” your feelings, instead of assuming that the other person caused them. Saying, “I feel upset,” or “I felt let down..” Is far less blaming than saying, “You always upset me…” or “You’re such an idiot, you’ve totally let me down..” It’s only a small change in language, but it allows them to think about what you’re saying, instead of immediately leaping to their own defence.
As therapists say, when you blame someone, you’ve got one finger pointing at them and three pointing back at yourself- so what are you feeling guilty about? Identify your own role in the situation, and admit to it. It takes guts and awareness to do it- but it pays dividends. Because that way, you can have a conversation, rather than a row.
When you feel upset, it’s hard to focus on exactly what you’re conveying with your words and behaviour. But most of us slip into familiar roles in any relationship conflict. Maybe you’re the appeasing one, who tries to smooth everything over; or the pushover, who’d do anything for a quiet life. Perhaps you find yourself behaving the way you did when you were 14, screaming and shouting, because you feel so misunderstood. Most of us end up playing different roles, too, depending on who the row is with.
The problem is, because you’ve done this before, it’s easy for the other person to slip back into their comfy old position, too. So if you’re acting 14, they’ll be the weary parent. And if you’re playing the exhausted victim, they’ll find themselves countering it by becoming more energetic, and more bullying. The only way to combat these old patterns is to re-write the script, and assign yourself a different role. Because if you don’t do what’s expected of you; they can’t either. Say your Mum’s having a go about the way you look. Instead of shouting, “Why are you always criticising me?Why is nothing I do ever good enough?” You could consciously adopt the ‘adult’ role instead, and say, “it seems very
important to you that I look a certain way… why is that?” You’ve already changed the direction of the conversation. Again, when your partner launches into a well-rehearsed argument, instead of attacking back, change the dynamic by listening to what he’s saying instead-”You obviously feel upset, so tell me what you need,” will be unexpected, and very likely to stop the argument altogether. It isn’t easy to alter your role, but by being aware of the way you tend to behave in a conflict, you can take the first step to changing it.
Sometimes, in an argument, meeting or conversation, you suddenly find that you’re furiously angry, or deeply upset- and you’re not quite sure why. Maybe something the other person said reminded you of a previous slight that hurt you. Or perhaps you’re immediately plunged into a feeling of helplessness, and have no idea what you need to do to feel better. This is when one simple question- “what do I actually want?” can be a life-saver.
When you’re shouting, you’re defending yourself or attacking someone else. You’re not making it clear to them that there’s something they could offer you that would solve the problem. That’s why it’s essential to take a step back, stay quiet, and think, “What am I really asking for here?” Are you just desperate for the chance to have your views heard? Or do you want an apology, an acknowledgement of your feelings, or more respect? Work out what it is that will make you feel better- then tell the other person. Saying “I would really appreciate it if you acknowledged how hard this job was”, or, “I don’t think I can move on until I feel that you’re really sorry for what happened”, is perfectly reasonable, and entirely non-combative. It gives them a chance to offer you what you need, and allows you to accept it. But it does require some sophisticated emotional thinking on your part, which will allow you to understand what’s really going on, and act on it.
Once you do master the art of asking for what you want however, you’ll never look back- and you’ll often get it. No politician goes to the negotiating table and shouts, “I’m just really unhappy!” They go in armed with a list of demands, and know what they’re prepared to compromise on. Do the same, and reap the rewards.
The dull old granny’s saying “do as you would be done by” may have fallen out of favour. But when it comes to relationships, there’s almost nothing more important. It’s tempting to believe that we’re owed the world on a stick. Convinced that we’re worth it, it’s easy to forget that our partners, families and friends deserve exactly the same kindness, compassion and understanding that we expect for ourselves. Of course, everyone can snap after a long day – but if barking commands, or contemptuous comments, have become your main method of communication, you may suddenly find that you’re alone.
It all comes down to empathy, which is something kids struggle with, but adults should be capable of. Imagining how it feels to be someone else can be difficult, but if you start from the belief that everyone wants respect, they just ask for it in different ways, it’s not that hard. Maybe you unwittingly talk to your partner as if he’s the man you’ve paid to clean the gutters, or your Mum as though she’s the biggest idiot on earth. Or perhaps you constantly snap orders at the kids. And then you wonder why they’re so rude and unmanageable, your partner seems to be in a permanent sulk, and your Mum still treats you as if you’re fourteen. Ultimately, most of the trouble in the world could be sorted out with an awareness of the tone of voice you’re using, coupled with a bit of “please” and “thank you.” Your loved ones are not your slaves, and they’re not your enemies- but people tend to behave as they’re treated. So if you want to ease communication, feel loved, and bring peace to your world, it’s simple. Treat people the way you want to be treated. It may mean biting your tongue, or deep-breathing- but trust me, it’s a small price to pay for transformed communication.